Hope

Dh went to see yet another specialist. Honestly I should keep better track of this but somehow the names of these doctors just don't seem all that important to me especially if we only see them once as is the case here. He had got the test for blood pressure on all his digits and went back for the results as the techs aren't allowed to say. This doctor told us the same thing we already knew which is dh get very little blood to his extremities. Then he told dh that he would give the finger a week not a month before wanting to amputate it. Seriously? One week. This upset dh understandably so. It also had us at a loss for any hope of the finger as this will be the third doctor to want to amputate. What does all this mean? It is such a significant thing to say. When I tell people my husband has ulcers or he gets cold or he is sick or whatever they really don't get the whole gist of it. If I say well they are considering cutting his finger off then people are like OHHHHH. I'm not trying to be mean or anything it is just how it is. They can't really know unless they live it. Of course I don't think badly of them either its just when someone tells me to keep dh warm I'm like "ummmm thanks?(dripping with sarcasm)"

For example my dad called the other day and was trying to be helpful. He said things like well keep him warm, put more clothing on, wear gloves ect. I felt like I was on page 50 and he was stuck on page 2. We talked for some time where he gave me more pointers till I finally said "dad they are talking about cutting his finger off" he took a moment and I could tell he didn't realize that it was this bad.

Dh gets very little sleep, honestly I haven't the foggiest how he is walking around on the little sleep he is getting. The intense pain he experiences causes him to stay awake alot. Lately I have taken to letting him sleep all weekend because he is finally sleeping. The bad thing then is he is not being part of the family and we all miss him so much yet he is right here. Its such a weird way to live. I am saddened at how much this has taken from us. We can't walk anywhere, we are stressed all the time, we don't enjoy family things that we used to. Heck we don't even kid around nearly as much as we used to cause he is in pain or asleep it doesn't exactly lead to an terrific evening or day. Its very disheartening.

For a couple of days I was making pumpkin puree. This involves alot of work and there is a part where I squeeze the juice out of the puree with cheesecloth. My hand was starting to hurt and got a bit swelled. I was starting to complain about it to dh but stopped almost as soon as I started because compared to him my pain is nothing. This is how I feel all the time. I feel my problems aren't really problems at all when I think of all that dh is going through so I internalize alot and that has gotten me back to having migraines....ALOT. I don't want to stress my husband out any more then he already is because stress affects this disease as much as the cold weather. He is a fairly laid back guy so I don't think he stresses alot but with this comes alot and I can't phanthom that he isn't stressed to some extend on the things that this disease is affecting. Just the other day I had a problem with a new friend and I didn't feel I could really talk to him because it really felt silly when compared to his issues. I then almost didn't talk to the people I had issues with because again it felt silly so I am projecting this everywhere. I am glad I did though because it cleared the air and I felt so much better after and I also felt my friends understood as well. Anyway that is not what I am talking about here I am just trying to make a point on the fact that I am stressing alot. I am feeling any problems I have don't even come close to the problems dh has so why am I whining. Kwim? I mean really a silly misunderstanding vs getting a finger amputated? hmmm which do you think wins. It's such a lonely place to be.

People are kind in asking about my husband and I appreciate it so much but sometimes I want to scream because really no one seems to realize that I am not okay. I feel myself falling apart. I cry at dumb things say like writing a post on my blog. It's all so overwhelming. Our sensai the other day asked me "how are you?" I felt like hugging him but it didn't feel appropriate. I told him thank you for asking and that I am hanging in there. Not even my own family asks me that. My in laws certainly don't. I guess I am being a bit selfish or am I. I don't know. I think back to a sermon a couple of weeks ago about the self and how to put God first and then others and you went last. At the time it made sense the way our pastor had explained it all but now sitting in that last spot it doesn't feel so good. I must be doing something wrong because it shouldn't feel bad right at least that was the way the pastor had explained it.

I am also tending to not have any drive lately. I mean what the heck is it all for anyway? I mean why should i care if my house is clean all the time? Isn't there more important things going on than that? Or should I try for normalcy, which I have but sometimes I just find myself looking at say cleaning the bathroom or the dishes and I'm like"why" why do I need to do this. What is the point. Day in day out we do the same things because they need to get done. Meanwhile dh is slowly but surely heading down the road to complete disability. I think it's all about hope. Do I still have that picture of dh and I when we are old and grey or did all this make it fuzzy in my mind because now Im not even sure he will be there. I really want him there.

Sorry for the random thoughts but sometimes when I type it just seems to flow and I put it out there and figure I can edit on preview or spell check or something. I think I will leave it though becuase that is why I have put the blog here in the first place for just this sort of thing to get it out of my system if nothing else.

I hope you guys are doing well and enjoy your weekend thanks for stopping by

Vanessa