The sore didn't go away and he started to experience pain. Fast forward to June and we went on Vacation in South Carolina. The weather was sunny and warm and we had a blast. The thing that struck us the most was that his sore went away. I just shrugged this off with a sort of hmmm well he is all better now. I honestly didn't think anything else and I don't think that I was in denial. I just thought he got an infection and it healed.
We came back from vacation and in August he got a sore on the third toe on his right foot. He went back to the doctor. They refereed him to several specialist. All these specialist didn't have any clue and just referred him to another specialist. We got very disgruntled with the V.A. and the doctors so we went through our Insurance doctor. The first thing he said was that we should be prepared to loose the digit. Wait now it's a digit you can't even call it a toe? Really. Anyway one day dh(dear husband) was at work and was talking to a doctor that works there. After talking to dh for about 30 minutes and looking at his sore he said that dh had Buerger's disease. Dh looked it up on the net and found that he had all the symptoms and all the signs or markers or whatever to stipulate he had this disease.
He continued to go to his doctors, through the V.A. and they were like oh yeah that is what you probably have. Ummmm hello what am I paying you for? Ok so you don't pay the V.A but that is not the point here. These guys went to college for medicine. Isn't a bit outrageous to diagnose yourself when you have never been to college for medicine? Ok that is a whole nother post.
What is Buerger's disease? Well it's strongly linked to smoking, ALOT. Essentially you can get this if you smoke alot and what happens is you get Raynaud's and then the sores. The sores are actually called ulcers, who would've known. If you don't quit smoking you have an 80% chance of loosing a digit. If you do quit then that is reduce to 30%.
Dh had quit smoking March of 2007 so it has been about a year and a half. But apparently he still had a few here and there. Since we were dating he knew I didn't really like his smoking habit so he didn't smoke around me all that much. Plus since I didn't like the habit I didn't pay all that much attention to how much he did smoke. Bad choice on my part because I don't feel he smoked that much but apparently he did and I am wrong. Upon hearing that he may loose a digit if he continues to have a cigarette here and there he decided that he would not do that and also let anyone know not to smoke around him, please. Second hand smoke can have the same effect on him and have him loose a digit as well. Everyone was fine with it and understood why.
September brought another ulcer on a finger. Then one on the ball of his foot as well. This was very discouraging.
Now we had traveled a road where we knew something was wrong but didn't know what. Now we think we know what he has but there is no cure. Although Buerger's disease is not terminal it is life shortening in most cases. FANTASTIC. What did this all mean to us? What did that mean for my children, for us growing old together, for our grandchildren that will come one day looong long time from now? I was at a loss. Actually I was in denial. I stuck my head in the water and pretended not to care or be very very angry at my husband. Why would I be so angry at him? I knew I was angry but I couldn't see the source of the problem, I was too close to see it. I did figure out the problem, you know those stages it's like denial is first then anger then acceptance then oh I don't remember them all, I am only human after all. I was in denial and I was trying to distance myself from my dh so that I won't hurt or anything.
I had hinted to my friends that dh was having some problems but I was so blase about the whole thing I'm sure no one thought anything of it. One day a friend asked what is up with your husband? I guess I made too many references. This was after we found what we think he has and so I told her the gist. Sometimes I wish I could take it back or at least I did at first not really now though. Then it became a real thing. Something I had to face and look in the eye and say "yup it's happening to me". Don't be disillusioned. When someone gets a bad medical diagnosis like this or worse, their spouses might as well have it too. It is something that is for sure happening to them as well. Perhaps not the symptoms and extenuating circumstances but they are living with it day in and day out. They see it in the morning, at night, in the middle of the night. They see it everywhere. They feel it everywhere.It's in the tiny things like waking up and seeing your spouse look like they haven't slept(cause they haven't) and them in pain to the bigger things like how you are going to pay for all the medical care involved in a chronic illness. They feel it in the things that the "sick spouse" can no longer do so they must then do. It smacks them in the forehead and says here I am in a mocking tone.
After telling my friend I told a few other souls and boy oh boy, I wished I hadn't. I had to face it and the ramifications that surrounded it. I was angry, so very angry. I also cried at the dumbest things. Here is a great example. For Halloween our Church was participating in the Great pumpkin chase. This is a scavenger hunt around the city where teams have to go to 10 stations and do weird things. It's fun. I was supposed to help man a station. I get in my car and I head to the station and I just start crying. I was so angry and scared. I was stopped at a red light and momentarily a thought came into my mind. What if I just pull my car into traffic, bam no more me. Then I thought that's nuts and wrong. No way I could do that to my family. Plus it scared me that thought came to my head. I felt I was going crazy. I was being mean to my husband and my friends and I honestly didn't give a crap. Why didn't I care, what was wrong with me. On and on it went. I was mad , then felt guilty for being mad and then mad again. I was raw from having to face the fact that my husband was very sick and the future was uncertain. I did make it to my station where I was quite mean to the other helpers. These wonderful women, awesome women of god, were talking to me and I told them(they did ask, it wasn't like I spill my guts to everyone) what was going on and they made me feel ok about it. They listened and told me their take and let me cry for about 45 minutes at the unfairness of the world. They hugged me and told me they would pray for me. They made me feel ok. It was a good moment. Unfortunately I had to go back to my real life. I came back rejuvenated till I saw my husband and he was hobbling or wincing in pain or something . I rolled my eyes and said"whatever" and was angry all over again. I was really mad that he could do this to me. How dare he screw up my life, it was doing just fine thank you very much. Why did he have to smoke so young and continue to smoke? Why did his parents let him continue to smoke after they found out he did ? On and on the why's they went.
One night we finally were able to talk, really talk. I let him know all my feelings and he did the same. It was a turning point. I stopped being angry. It was great because to be honest I was feeling like I was such a horrid person for being so mad all the time and so horrible to people especially my dh. I felt like scum. I also started to think i was depressed, that one still lurks a bit. The thing is that very early in our marriage dh started to drink. This was okay at the time, until it became not okay. He was an alcoholic for about 3 yrs, the same 3 yrs he was in the military. Our life became horrid and I really had moments when I hated what alcohol did to him. I didn't leave him because I still loved him. He was under there somewhere and I wanted to find him and pull him out. Then came a moment when our children where in danger under his care and I left. That was his turning point, he went to a detox facility and got "dry". He begged me to come back and after some marriage counseling we slowly put the pieces back together. His illness has brought about some very familiar feelings and I can't help but remember that time. That may have been some of my anger because when you are drunk you don't really care how miserable everyone else is. Dh doesn't understand this but that is okay because I am the one that needs to deal with that. Our talk helped us understand each other and reach each other. Dh saw why I was so mad and understood and I understood better what was happening with him. Dare I say we grew closer but that is exactly what I think has happened.
This is where we are now. Accepting and moving forward. This is my life and so many others out there. I hope that this reaches those that understand, please feel free to leave an email if you don't feel comfortable leaving a comment. Mabey I can help or vice versa. To all you Well Spouses out there I hope this is a place of compassion and understanding that you desperatly need.
Vanessa
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