In a attempt to see if moving to a warmer climate will help dh's health issues we went to South Carolina for three weeks. One week driving there and back and two weeks actually there. Last year early in our diagnosis and health issues and before any amputations we went to South Carolina. One of his fingers had an ulcer although it wasn't as far gone as the ones we have now. But that finger was all healed when we returned. We wanted to know if it was a fluke.
We arrived and spent some time with distant cousin's of dh. Said cousin has a friend that is a pastor. Said pastor came over and prayed over dh. The very next day dh and I have a conversation something like this.
DH: The skin on my toe came off.
Me: HUH? What do you mean?
Dh: It came off
Me: Huh? what do you mean it came off
Dh: (rolling his eyes by this time, although he is used to my craziness) It. Came. Off. The skin came off and it was pink underneath
Me: Show me
Dh takes off his wrapping and shows me his toe. It was nice and pink. Then he shows me the skin. It was like a scab and it had shades of green and black. Not pretty and I saved it. I figure I frame it and write something like "miracles really do happen" on the frame or something. I looked at dh and said
Me: You better be thanking God right now.
I most certainly did. I said a small prayer and am still astounded. We were going to amputate half a leg and now we have hope that it may not be necessary after all.
Dh: You know what this means right?
Me: Yup, sigh, I know
Dh wants to move to the sticks. I mean the STICKS. Dh's family has some 50 acres in a one horse town. Ok mabey two horses. We looked at modular homes as the home on the property burned down a few years ago. My Oh my how have these homes improved from what I remember of them. We picked this four bed/two bath 2300 sq ft. home. The kitchen is huge with a gorgeous island in the middle. There is a computer room which will house our homeschool. There is a family room and a living room with a wood burning fireplace. Wood burning? Modular homes have come sooo far. It also has a decent sized laundry and a sliding back door. Eventually perhaps we will build our dream home somewhere on the property. At any rate due to the frugal cost I am sure our plans of living debt free will be much more attainable in a much faster rate. I will miss my family very much but am hoping to come back to visit once a year.
We came back and Austin had a orthodontist appointment. He got new bands and chose red and blue. He said now I have red, white and blue for the holiday. He is so goofy. Dh went to get a check up with the doc and doc was amazed at the improvement. All the nurses and his assistant asked dh why he came back. We have a house to sell people. And it is so very not ready. So much to do. I will be checking up on all my blogs to see what everyone has been up to. I missed you guys.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Next.....
The decision has been made for DH not to get the vein bypass surgery and instead we are going ahead and having his toe amputated. See this is exactly what I was afraid of. I truly felt like I overreacted when I broke down after DH had his finger amputated. I am sure some thought gesh it's only a finger. But it's a finger and my initial thought was to where this would stop. So it has happened and now we are on to a toe. Again it's only a toe. And again it's a toe!
I wonder just how much DH is taking in. He has such a wonderful attitude about it. He makes jokes and such but then those make me wonder. I wonder if he is masking his true feelings and how that may affect him in the future. He is seeing a shrink, after the amputation they made an appointment for him. I so desperately wish I could find something to make him better or lessen his pain.
A few friends have offered to watch the kids or bring us a meal. they are also praying for us. It truly warms my heart at their warm thoughts and kind deeds. Easter is also this weekend and I wanted to make a traditional meal but now I am unsure I will be up for it. I suppose I will have to do it cause of the kids, I hate to disappoint them.
I am having a terribly emotional week.
Vanessa
I wonder just how much DH is taking in. He has such a wonderful attitude about it. He makes jokes and such but then those make me wonder. I wonder if he is masking his true feelings and how that may affect him in the future. He is seeing a shrink, after the amputation they made an appointment for him. I so desperately wish I could find something to make him better or lessen his pain.
A few friends have offered to watch the kids or bring us a meal. they are also praying for us. It truly warms my heart at their warm thoughts and kind deeds. Easter is also this weekend and I wanted to make a traditional meal but now I am unsure I will be up for it. I suppose I will have to do it cause of the kids, I hate to disappoint them.
I am having a terribly emotional week.
Vanessa
Monday, February 2, 2009
Disability and Second opinions
Dh went to our private Doctor, through insurance, and updated him about what all was happening. We try to keep this doctor in the loop because he has been so good to us. When we had problems with our insurance paying for a medication he gave us enough samples to last a week and we were able to see if it worked. Anyway the doctors are still surprised dh is still working and this doctor is no different. He thinks that the toe will need to be amputated and that dh needs to get going on Social Security.
This is the cross roads isn't it? This will change our lives for sure. Well ok the disease has changed our lives in minute ways across the board but dh being disabled for the rest of his life when he is just now 33 that is life altering right. Not to mention that I would have to go out there and make up whatever we loose in income due to this change. How will I continue to homeschool the boys if I am working outside of the home. I enjoy being with my kids. Yes they can be trying at times, alot of times, but all in all I recognize I only have a little time with them so I am trying to enjoy it while I can. Now I realize that dh has already re submitted his case to the V.A. to see if he can get his disability upped but we have no idea when they will come back with an answer and what type of answer they will give.
I think the worst part about all of this is the being in limbo, kwim? It's the not being able to plan your life because you aren't sure how long things will be the way they are. I suppose this is the part where I give some great notion that I have finally learned to live in the moment. But I am a mom to three boys that are homeschooled. If I don't plan some part of my life homeschool and the house would be in chaos. There needs to be a certain amount of planning you need to do even if it is based on the ideas that you think will happen. Not to mention what will dh do if he is home for the rest of his life? Will it make him worse? Have you ever heard of people being in good health till they retired and then they started getting sick after they retired. This is what I worry about. Dh is not in the best of health to begin with what happens if being able to go to work and have that distraction and need of you is what is keeping him from getting that much worse?
Then there are all the little ways in which I know he is holding on to the notion that he needs to put on that brave face. I see him all day during weekends shudder throughout the day. I know it is a jolt of pain going through him. The cold weather has become a real issue as well and he truly does avoid it at all costs. Including not going to the door of a friends house when picking up one of our boys. It was too cold out so he sent one of the other boys. I explained it to my friend and I hope she understands that dh was not trying to be unsocial or rude. I can see him concentrate from moment to moment and I can tell he is trying to deal with his chronic pain.
Dh has made an appointment with another surgeon to get a second opinion on whether he needs the bypass surgery on his legs to improve the circulation in his right leg. I hope that I can go with him to the appointment.
This is the cross roads isn't it? This will change our lives for sure. Well ok the disease has changed our lives in minute ways across the board but dh being disabled for the rest of his life when he is just now 33 that is life altering right. Not to mention that I would have to go out there and make up whatever we loose in income due to this change. How will I continue to homeschool the boys if I am working outside of the home. I enjoy being with my kids. Yes they can be trying at times, alot of times, but all in all I recognize I only have a little time with them so I am trying to enjoy it while I can. Now I realize that dh has already re submitted his case to the V.A. to see if he can get his disability upped but we have no idea when they will come back with an answer and what type of answer they will give.
I think the worst part about all of this is the being in limbo, kwim? It's the not being able to plan your life because you aren't sure how long things will be the way they are. I suppose this is the part where I give some great notion that I have finally learned to live in the moment. But I am a mom to three boys that are homeschooled. If I don't plan some part of my life homeschool and the house would be in chaos. There needs to be a certain amount of planning you need to do even if it is based on the ideas that you think will happen. Not to mention what will dh do if he is home for the rest of his life? Will it make him worse? Have you ever heard of people being in good health till they retired and then they started getting sick after they retired. This is what I worry about. Dh is not in the best of health to begin with what happens if being able to go to work and have that distraction and need of you is what is keeping him from getting that much worse?
Then there are all the little ways in which I know he is holding on to the notion that he needs to put on that brave face. I see him all day during weekends shudder throughout the day. I know it is a jolt of pain going through him. The cold weather has become a real issue as well and he truly does avoid it at all costs. Including not going to the door of a friends house when picking up one of our boys. It was too cold out so he sent one of the other boys. I explained it to my friend and I hope she understands that dh was not trying to be unsocial or rude. I can see him concentrate from moment to moment and I can tell he is trying to deal with his chronic pain.
Dh has made an appointment with another surgeon to get a second opinion on whether he needs the bypass surgery on his legs to improve the circulation in his right leg. I hope that I can go with him to the appointment.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
As the world turns
I feel like I have stepped into some sort of soap opera. I don't like drama one bit. I have a friend who has alot of drama and well I just cringe at seeing her number on my phone knowing full well I will be on it for an hour listening to the latest and greatest. I would be so happy with a boring life where nothing ever happens. Alas that is not what was intended for me and I have seen some things about myself that I do not like and others that I didn't realize I had and did like.
Hubs is doing better. After getting the amputation he has been sleeping better and in quite a bit less pain. Although I still think it is gross that he brought the finger home. I was so grateful that he was finally getting some rest that when he started getting less sleep I noticed. Now his toe is acting up. It looks as if half of the tip is gone on one side and looks all yellow and white like it has been soaking in water. The doctors want to do an bypass operation on his legs where they harvest veins from one to put into the other to improve circulation. This was told to us with the toe in mind. The doctor feels if it were to become necessary to amputate the toe that dh would not have enough circulation to let it heel and therefore they may need to take the entire foot. So that means they are doing the surgery in hopes of saving his foot but not necessarily his toe. I hope that made sense because the first time dh told me all this I had to have him explain it 3 different times. I wish I had gone to the appointment.
Dh doesn't want to have the surgery which adds even more drama. I mean why not they are talking about saving his foot. He hates the idea of the "cutting on him". His words. I get that it is scary but if someone told me that it could possibly save my foot I would do it. He is also concerned because he would have to stay at the hospital for a week and at home for about 3 weeks. He only has at most 3 weeks leave. I should say paid leave. He could take the whole month but for one week he would not be paid. I figured it out to be at about $1000 short on our pay. We have that in savings and well that is what savings is for right? Even if I had to charge our credit cards to make it up I would still be willing to do it in the hopes that he wouldn't have to loose his whole foot. kwim? The surgery was supposed to be done in January. Yup this month but dh has procrastinated the whole thing. The longer we put it off the more I look at my calendar and I count if he has the surgery this day he would be on a sort of bed rest till this day. And here is the part that comes out of me where I feel totally selfish about it. Our anniversary is in March and if he continues putting the surgery off I bet you anything that he would be on " bed rest" during our anniversary. It'll be 15 yrs this year so I really wanted to celebrate a bit. As it dawns closer I need only to wait and see what will happen . The bottom line is that I just want him around even if he is going to be missing a few body parts.
He has also started seeing a psychologist. The V.A. signed him up due to the amputation. The doc thinks hubs is depressed so he now also takes some antidepressant among the other wonderful meds he is taking. I swear my bathroom is being overtaken by meds and herbal remedies galore. They are everywhere and I had to get him baskets because it was driving me nuts having to make a gazillion trips to clear the counter so I could clean it. I suppose it is sort of humorous.
Dh has also come up with all sorts of elaborate stories to tell our grandchildren about his finger. He has had me rolling several times about the stories he comes up with. One would be he got into a fight with a shark and the shark bit it off. Another was he was picking his nose as a child and it got stuck up there so they had to cut it off. That one would be told as we see a grandchild picking their nose. I wonder if that would scare the crap out of them and make them cry. We may need to rethink that one. Another involved pointing the finger at someone else as doing said crime. This came about at our frustration that no one ever does anything in our house. When someone drinks the last bit of tea "no one did it". I suppose it's all in good fun but part of me watches dh to make sure he is okay.
A week ago or so dh came home with flu like symptoms. He went straight to bed and stayed there till the next day. Then he was fine. We talked about it and he thought it was due to the fact that he wasn't getting enough sleep....again. He did this a few months ago where he got really sick feeling for a day and layed down and slept for about a day and was fine after. So if I see him sleep I leave him alone. Even for church I feel horrid waking him because he simply isn't getting the amount of sleep he needs.
That's about it for our craziness. I hope your New Year is doing good.
Vanessa
Hubs is doing better. After getting the amputation he has been sleeping better and in quite a bit less pain. Although I still think it is gross that he brought the finger home. I was so grateful that he was finally getting some rest that when he started getting less sleep I noticed. Now his toe is acting up. It looks as if half of the tip is gone on one side and looks all yellow and white like it has been soaking in water. The doctors want to do an bypass operation on his legs where they harvest veins from one to put into the other to improve circulation. This was told to us with the toe in mind. The doctor feels if it were to become necessary to amputate the toe that dh would not have enough circulation to let it heel and therefore they may need to take the entire foot. So that means they are doing the surgery in hopes of saving his foot but not necessarily his toe. I hope that made sense because the first time dh told me all this I had to have him explain it 3 different times. I wish I had gone to the appointment.
Dh doesn't want to have the surgery which adds even more drama. I mean why not they are talking about saving his foot. He hates the idea of the "cutting on him". His words. I get that it is scary but if someone told me that it could possibly save my foot I would do it. He is also concerned because he would have to stay at the hospital for a week and at home for about 3 weeks. He only has at most 3 weeks leave. I should say paid leave. He could take the whole month but for one week he would not be paid. I figured it out to be at about $1000 short on our pay. We have that in savings and well that is what savings is for right? Even if I had to charge our credit cards to make it up I would still be willing to do it in the hopes that he wouldn't have to loose his whole foot. kwim? The surgery was supposed to be done in January. Yup this month but dh has procrastinated the whole thing. The longer we put it off the more I look at my calendar and I count if he has the surgery this day he would be on a sort of bed rest till this day. And here is the part that comes out of me where I feel totally selfish about it. Our anniversary is in March and if he continues putting the surgery off I bet you anything that he would be on " bed rest" during our anniversary. It'll be 15 yrs this year so I really wanted to celebrate a bit. As it dawns closer I need only to wait and see what will happen . The bottom line is that I just want him around even if he is going to be missing a few body parts.
He has also started seeing a psychologist. The V.A. signed him up due to the amputation. The doc thinks hubs is depressed so he now also takes some antidepressant among the other wonderful meds he is taking. I swear my bathroom is being overtaken by meds and herbal remedies galore. They are everywhere and I had to get him baskets because it was driving me nuts having to make a gazillion trips to clear the counter so I could clean it. I suppose it is sort of humorous.
Dh has also come up with all sorts of elaborate stories to tell our grandchildren about his finger. He has had me rolling several times about the stories he comes up with. One would be he got into a fight with a shark and the shark bit it off. Another was he was picking his nose as a child and it got stuck up there so they had to cut it off. That one would be told as we see a grandchild picking their nose. I wonder if that would scare the crap out of them and make them cry. We may need to rethink that one. Another involved pointing the finger at someone else as doing said crime. This came about at our frustration that no one ever does anything in our house. When someone drinks the last bit of tea "no one did it". I suppose it's all in good fun but part of me watches dh to make sure he is okay.
A week ago or so dh came home with flu like symptoms. He went straight to bed and stayed there till the next day. Then he was fine. We talked about it and he thought it was due to the fact that he wasn't getting enough sleep....again. He did this a few months ago where he got really sick feeling for a day and layed down and slept for about a day and was fine after. So if I see him sleep I leave him alone. Even for church I feel horrid waking him because he simply isn't getting the amount of sleep he needs.
That's about it for our craziness. I hope your New Year is doing good.
Vanessa
Friday, December 5, 2008
Amputation
I guess you can guess what this post is about. On Thursday Chris went to see another specialist. This one was to give him another opinion as to his finger, he is the best plastic surgeon in the area. At first he had a mid morning appointment but they had an opening earlier so I got a call at 8:30. Chris said they moved his appointment up and he would be seen soon. He called a bit later before 9 and said that they would cut his finger then and there. I couldn't believe it. I had said to this point that the doctors wanted to amputate but we were seeking alternatives. We were seeing an herbalist to get toxins out of his body. Chris had said they are going to cut it for at least a week. Do you see the difference in frame of mind here?
I say they want to but we are trying other ways first
Chris says they are going to (implication just a matter of when)
I hadn't come to terms with the reality that was staring at us. Chris had.
I really wanted to go over there to be with him but he insisted on me staying home. Maybe because he knows how squeamish I am or maybe because he didn't want the kids there as well I don't know but my feelings were definitely hurt. I wanted to be there for him for him to know he can count on me. So about 10:30 ish Chris calls back to let me know he was done. Just like that he had had his finger amputated. They didn't take it all but left about a quarter of it. Chris stayed awake during the procedure which didn't really last all that long considering. He watched and heard the whole thing and explained it like clipping your toenails. He stopped off at the V.A. to get more medication. The doctor did say that he would experience some pain in the days to come but it may actually be less then what he had been going through for months now. I am glad of that for sure. It seems like he was going through so much pain and all I could do was sit idly by and watch.
He came home close to lunch. He brought his finger with him. I have not and have no need or want to look at it thank you. I think I would hurl. He had a few ideas on it. One was to put a pack of cigarettes on it with a no smoking sign. That was by far my favorite. The kids seem to think it would be a great conversation starter. I think it would not. So no it will not go onto the living room table. Chris finally managed a look at it and said that the black reached his bone so he is glad that he had the amputation because the last thing we need is gangrene in his bloodstream or his bones. That would be a worse situation then loosing a finger. No way am I looking at it. It was attached to Chris only a yesterday and I'm so squeamish. The boys showed their friend who was rightly grossed out.
Today I took the kids to their co-op. Two people knew what had happened and during lunch with no sort of warning and no one saying anything to me I broke into tears. I felt so dumb and embarrassed. I mean these people don't know what is going on and here I break into tears? I excused myself to go to the bathroom and straighten up.My friend Randi came over to me and told me I didn't need to hold it together and that she wanted to make sure I was okay. Then she did such a wonderful kind and generous thing She prayed with me. Another friend came by and we prayed for a bit. It was so nice, comforting and well I'm not sure how to describe it. Let's just say I have an great appreciation for my friends. I still don't know why I cried and am still a bit embarrassed but I guess it's okay now. I think and hope anyway.
The kids seem to be handling all this very well much better then me for sure. Perhaps kids are as resilient as the doctors always say whatever the reason for now I am happy they are not upset by this. I do think though that they will think twice about smoking. At least I hope so.
I say they want to but we are trying other ways first
Chris says they are going to (implication just a matter of when)
I hadn't come to terms with the reality that was staring at us. Chris had.
I really wanted to go over there to be with him but he insisted on me staying home. Maybe because he knows how squeamish I am or maybe because he didn't want the kids there as well I don't know but my feelings were definitely hurt. I wanted to be there for him for him to know he can count on me. So about 10:30 ish Chris calls back to let me know he was done. Just like that he had had his finger amputated. They didn't take it all but left about a quarter of it. Chris stayed awake during the procedure which didn't really last all that long considering. He watched and heard the whole thing and explained it like clipping your toenails. He stopped off at the V.A. to get more medication. The doctor did say that he would experience some pain in the days to come but it may actually be less then what he had been going through for months now. I am glad of that for sure. It seems like he was going through so much pain and all I could do was sit idly by and watch.
He came home close to lunch. He brought his finger with him. I have not and have no need or want to look at it thank you. I think I would hurl. He had a few ideas on it. One was to put a pack of cigarettes on it with a no smoking sign. That was by far my favorite. The kids seem to think it would be a great conversation starter. I think it would not. So no it will not go onto the living room table. Chris finally managed a look at it and said that the black reached his bone so he is glad that he had the amputation because the last thing we need is gangrene in his bloodstream or his bones. That would be a worse situation then loosing a finger. No way am I looking at it. It was attached to Chris only a yesterday and I'm so squeamish. The boys showed their friend who was rightly grossed out.
Today I took the kids to their co-op. Two people knew what had happened and during lunch with no sort of warning and no one saying anything to me I broke into tears. I felt so dumb and embarrassed. I mean these people don't know what is going on and here I break into tears? I excused myself to go to the bathroom and straighten up.My friend Randi came over to me and told me I didn't need to hold it together and that she wanted to make sure I was okay. Then she did such a wonderful kind and generous thing She prayed with me. Another friend came by and we prayed for a bit. It was so nice, comforting and well I'm not sure how to describe it. Let's just say I have an great appreciation for my friends. I still don't know why I cried and am still a bit embarrassed but I guess it's okay now. I think and hope anyway.
The kids seem to be handling all this very well much better then me for sure. Perhaps kids are as resilient as the doctors always say whatever the reason for now I am happy they are not upset by this. I do think though that they will think twice about smoking. At least I hope so.
Vanessa
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Intense Pain
All night long dh had intense pain. It kept him up all night and put him in tears and trust me that doesn't happen often. I feel so helpless just sitting there watching. I rubbed his back for a while but other then that there was nothing I could do.ON top of that he thinks he may be coming down with the flu and he has been on antibiotics for over a month. He had the chills all night which made him miserable then he would get overheated. And he threw up, alot. I dozed a bit when he did manage to get a bit of sleep and I got up to it again about 4 in the morning.
We have been seeing an herbalist over the past week. She uses a blue light on his ulcers and has added to his growing pill bottle collection. Luckily this is all natrual stuff so I am not as worried that he is so heavily bedicated. We are unsure if this will work but I am certainly willing to try. Chris on the other hand has stated he is willing to try but then he gets there and he makes these little signs and says these little things under his breath and well it makes me wonder how much he is really willing to try. I hope to update the list of meds he is on in the hope that perhaps someone else may get use out of it.
Lastly dh and I have had to seriously think about amputation. We have had more than enough doctors tell us so and dh is in so much pain that he seems more willing just to make it stop. My question is will it make it stop? We were supposed to get an appointment with the hand surgeon yesterday but their computers were down so perhaps today we will get the appointment and I tell you what I am going with him. I am tired of asking him questions when he gets back from these appointments and he doesn't have the answers because God forbid he ask questions.
Anyway that is where we are for now. I sure hope you guys had a great holiday.
We have been seeing an herbalist over the past week. She uses a blue light on his ulcers and has added to his growing pill bottle collection. Luckily this is all natrual stuff so I am not as worried that he is so heavily bedicated. We are unsure if this will work but I am certainly willing to try. Chris on the other hand has stated he is willing to try but then he gets there and he makes these little signs and says these little things under his breath and well it makes me wonder how much he is really willing to try. I hope to update the list of meds he is on in the hope that perhaps someone else may get use out of it.
Lastly dh and I have had to seriously think about amputation. We have had more than enough doctors tell us so and dh is in so much pain that he seems more willing just to make it stop. My question is will it make it stop? We were supposed to get an appointment with the hand surgeon yesterday but their computers were down so perhaps today we will get the appointment and I tell you what I am going with him. I am tired of asking him questions when he gets back from these appointments and he doesn't have the answers because God forbid he ask questions.
Anyway that is where we are for now. I sure hope you guys had a great holiday.
Vanessa
Friday, November 21, 2008
Hope
Dh went to see yet another specialist. Honestly I should keep better track of this but somehow the names of these doctors just don't seem all that important to me especially if we only see them once as is the case here. He had got the test for blood pressure on all his digits and went back for the results as the techs aren't allowed to say. This doctor told us the same thing we already knew which is dh get very little blood to his extremities. Then he told dh that he would give the finger a week not a month before wanting to amputate it. Seriously? One week. This upset dh understandably so. It also had us at a loss for any hope of the finger as this will be the third doctor to want to amputate. What does all this mean? It is such a significant thing to say. When I tell people my husband has ulcers or he gets cold or he is sick or whatever they really don't get the whole gist of it. If I say well they are considering cutting his finger off then people are like OHHHHH. I'm not trying to be mean or anything it is just how it is. They can't really know unless they live it. Of course I don't think badly of them either its just when someone tells me to keep dh warm I'm like "ummmm thanks?(dripping with sarcasm)"
For example my dad called the other day and was trying to be helpful. He said things like well keep him warm, put more clothing on, wear gloves ect. I felt like I was on page 50 and he was stuck on page 2. We talked for some time where he gave me more pointers till I finally said "dad they are talking about cutting his finger off" he took a moment and I could tell he didn't realize that it was this bad.
Dh gets very little sleep, honestly I haven't the foggiest how he is walking around on the little sleep he is getting. The intense pain he experiences causes him to stay awake alot. Lately I have taken to letting him sleep all weekend because he is finally sleeping. The bad thing then is he is not being part of the family and we all miss him so much yet he is right here. Its such a weird way to live. I am saddened at how much this has taken from us. We can't walk anywhere, we are stressed all the time, we don't enjoy family things that we used to. Heck we don't even kid around nearly as much as we used to cause he is in pain or asleep it doesn't exactly lead to an terrific evening or day. Its very disheartening.
For a couple of days I was making pumpkin puree. This involves alot of work and there is a part where I squeeze the juice out of the puree with cheesecloth. My hand was starting to hurt and got a bit swelled. I was starting to complain about it to dh but stopped almost as soon as I started because compared to him my pain is nothing. This is how I feel all the time. I feel my problems aren't really problems at all when I think of all that dh is going through so I internalize alot and that has gotten me back to having migraines....ALOT. I don't want to stress my husband out any more then he already is because stress affects this disease as much as the cold weather. He is a fairly laid back guy so I don't think he stresses alot but with this comes alot and I can't phanthom that he isn't stressed to some extend on the things that this disease is affecting. Just the other day I had a problem with a new friend and I didn't feel I could really talk to him because it really felt silly when compared to his issues. I then almost didn't talk to the people I had issues with because again it felt silly so I am projecting this everywhere. I am glad I did though because it cleared the air and I felt so much better after and I also felt my friends understood as well. Anyway that is not what I am talking about here I am just trying to make a point on the fact that I am stressing alot. I am feeling any problems I have don't even come close to the problems dh has so why am I whining. Kwim? I mean really a silly misunderstanding vs getting a finger amputated? hmmm which do you think wins. It's such a lonely place to be.
People are kind in asking about my husband and I appreciate it so much but sometimes I want to scream because really no one seems to realize that I am not okay. I feel myself falling apart. I cry at dumb things say like writing a post on my blog. It's all so overwhelming. Our sensai the other day asked me "how are you?" I felt like hugging him but it didn't feel appropriate. I told him thank you for asking and that I am hanging in there. Not even my own family asks me that. My in laws certainly don't. I guess I am being a bit selfish or am I. I don't know. I think back to a sermon a couple of weeks ago about the self and how to put God first and then others and you went last. At the time it made sense the way our pastor had explained it all but now sitting in that last spot it doesn't feel so good. I must be doing something wrong because it shouldn't feel bad right at least that was the way the pastor had explained it.
I am also tending to not have any drive lately. I mean what the heck is it all for anyway? I mean why should i care if my house is clean all the time? Isn't there more important things going on than that? Or should I try for normalcy, which I have but sometimes I just find myself looking at say cleaning the bathroom or the dishes and I'm like"why" why do I need to do this. What is the point. Day in day out we do the same things because they need to get done. Meanwhile dh is slowly but surely heading down the road to complete disability. I think it's all about hope. Do I still have that picture of dh and I when we are old and grey or did all this make it fuzzy in my mind because now Im not even sure he will be there. I really want him there.
Sorry for the random thoughts but sometimes when I type it just seems to flow and I put it out there and figure I can edit on preview or spell check or something. I think I will leave it though becuase that is why I have put the blog here in the first place for just this sort of thing to get it out of my system if nothing else.
I hope you guys are doing well and enjoy your weekend thanks for stopping by
For example my dad called the other day and was trying to be helpful. He said things like well keep him warm, put more clothing on, wear gloves ect. I felt like I was on page 50 and he was stuck on page 2. We talked for some time where he gave me more pointers till I finally said "dad they are talking about cutting his finger off" he took a moment and I could tell he didn't realize that it was this bad.
Dh gets very little sleep, honestly I haven't the foggiest how he is walking around on the little sleep he is getting. The intense pain he experiences causes him to stay awake alot. Lately I have taken to letting him sleep all weekend because he is finally sleeping. The bad thing then is he is not being part of the family and we all miss him so much yet he is right here. Its such a weird way to live. I am saddened at how much this has taken from us. We can't walk anywhere, we are stressed all the time, we don't enjoy family things that we used to. Heck we don't even kid around nearly as much as we used to cause he is in pain or asleep it doesn't exactly lead to an terrific evening or day. Its very disheartening.
For a couple of days I was making pumpkin puree. This involves alot of work and there is a part where I squeeze the juice out of the puree with cheesecloth. My hand was starting to hurt and got a bit swelled. I was starting to complain about it to dh but stopped almost as soon as I started because compared to him my pain is nothing. This is how I feel all the time. I feel my problems aren't really problems at all when I think of all that dh is going through so I internalize alot and that has gotten me back to having migraines....ALOT. I don't want to stress my husband out any more then he already is because stress affects this disease as much as the cold weather. He is a fairly laid back guy so I don't think he stresses alot but with this comes alot and I can't phanthom that he isn't stressed to some extend on the things that this disease is affecting. Just the other day I had a problem with a new friend and I didn't feel I could really talk to him because it really felt silly when compared to his issues. I then almost didn't talk to the people I had issues with because again it felt silly so I am projecting this everywhere. I am glad I did though because it cleared the air and I felt so much better after and I also felt my friends understood as well. Anyway that is not what I am talking about here I am just trying to make a point on the fact that I am stressing alot. I am feeling any problems I have don't even come close to the problems dh has so why am I whining. Kwim? I mean really a silly misunderstanding vs getting a finger amputated? hmmm which do you think wins. It's such a lonely place to be.
People are kind in asking about my husband and I appreciate it so much but sometimes I want to scream because really no one seems to realize that I am not okay. I feel myself falling apart. I cry at dumb things say like writing a post on my blog. It's all so overwhelming. Our sensai the other day asked me "how are you?" I felt like hugging him but it didn't feel appropriate. I told him thank you for asking and that I am hanging in there. Not even my own family asks me that. My in laws certainly don't. I guess I am being a bit selfish or am I. I don't know. I think back to a sermon a couple of weeks ago about the self and how to put God first and then others and you went last. At the time it made sense the way our pastor had explained it all but now sitting in that last spot it doesn't feel so good. I must be doing something wrong because it shouldn't feel bad right at least that was the way the pastor had explained it.
I am also tending to not have any drive lately. I mean what the heck is it all for anyway? I mean why should i care if my house is clean all the time? Isn't there more important things going on than that? Or should I try for normalcy, which I have but sometimes I just find myself looking at say cleaning the bathroom or the dishes and I'm like"why" why do I need to do this. What is the point. Day in day out we do the same things because they need to get done. Meanwhile dh is slowly but surely heading down the road to complete disability. I think it's all about hope. Do I still have that picture of dh and I when we are old and grey or did all this make it fuzzy in my mind because now Im not even sure he will be there. I really want him there.
Sorry for the random thoughts but sometimes when I type it just seems to flow and I put it out there and figure I can edit on preview or spell check or something. I think I will leave it though becuase that is why I have put the blog here in the first place for just this sort of thing to get it out of my system if nothing else.
I hope you guys are doing well and enjoy your weekend thanks for stopping by
Vanessa
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