Amputation

I guess you can guess what this post is about. On Thursday Chris went to see another specialist. This one was to give him another opinion as to his finger, he is the best plastic surgeon in the area. At first he had a mid morning appointment but they had an opening earlier so I got a call at 8:30. Chris said they moved his appointment up and he would be seen soon. He called a bit later before 9 and said that they would cut his finger then and there. I couldn't believe it. I had said to this point that the doctors wanted to amputate but we were seeking alternatives. We were seeing an herbalist to get toxins out of his body. Chris had said they are going to cut it for at least a week. Do you see the difference in frame of mind here?

I say they want to but we are trying other ways first

Chris says they are going to (implication just a matter of when)

I hadn't come to terms with the reality that was staring at us. Chris had.

I really wanted to go over there to be with him but he insisted on me staying home. Maybe because he knows how squeamish I am or maybe because he didn't want the kids there as well I don't know but my feelings were definitely hurt. I wanted to be there for him for him to know he can count on me. So about 10:30 ish Chris calls back to let me know he was done. Just like that he had had his finger amputated. They didn't take it all but left about a quarter of it. Chris stayed awake during the procedure which didn't really last all that long considering. He watched and heard the whole thing and explained it like clipping your toenails. He stopped off at the V.A. to get more medication. The doctor did say that he would experience some pain in the days to come but it may actually be less then what he had been going through for months now. I am glad of that for sure. It seems like he was going through so much pain and all I could do was sit idly by and watch.

He came home close to lunch. He brought his finger with him. I have not and have no need or want to look at it thank you. I think I would hurl. He had a few ideas on it. One was to put a pack of cigarettes on it with a no smoking sign. That was by far my favorite. The kids seem to think it would be a great conversation starter. I think it would not. So no it will not go onto the living room table. Chris finally managed a look at it and said that the black reached his bone so he is glad that he had the amputation because the last thing we need is gangrene in his bloodstream or his bones. That would be a worse situation then loosing a finger. No way am I looking at it. It was attached to Chris only a yesterday and I'm so squeamish. The boys showed their friend who was rightly grossed out.

Today I took the kids to their co-op. Two people knew what had happened and during lunch with no sort of warning and no one saying anything to me I broke into tears. I felt so dumb and embarrassed. I mean these people don't know what is going on and here I break into tears? I excused myself to go to the bathroom and straighten up.My friend Randi came over to me and told me I didn't need to hold it together and that she wanted to make sure I was okay. Then she did such a wonderful kind and generous thing She prayed with me. Another friend came by and we prayed for a bit. It was so nice, comforting and well I'm not sure how to describe it. Let's just say I have an great appreciation for my friends. I still don't know why I cried and am still a bit embarrassed but I guess it's okay now. I think and hope anyway.

The kids seem to be handling all this very well much better then me for sure. Perhaps kids are as resilient as the doctors always say whatever the reason for now I am happy they are not upset by this. I do think though that they will think twice about smoking. At least I hope so.

Vanessa