Down the Rabbit hole

Wonderland is calling and everything there will be completely foreign to us.


Our plans are moving along. We have begun packing and I try to get a few boxes done everyday. We officially have a date drum roll please......August 10. Dh had been toying with the idea of trying to make it to work for another 2 years. I get what he is trying to do but it won't work. He knows that if we have 2 more years then we get about half his pay. He can support us on half his pay down there. Without it we need to look elsewhere to make up for the lack of income. This means I will be job hunting and Dh will be taking over our homeschool. For simplicity in the move we decided to go with an online virtual school this year-connections Academy.We toyed with the idea of leaving Austin here so he can go to his beloved Rock Show in September. His grandparents would take good care of him. In the end it was decided he needed to be with us as a family because we are moving as a family.

We have been getting updates from family as to what is happening on the property. The property has been virtually empty for years. Dh's father has gone down there about every other year to make sure the main upkeep is taken care of. But visiting and fixing things that you see need mending and living there and seeing things that need mending are two entirely different things. We had to hire someone to clear the property up a bit mostly just by all the buildings. Then we had a new well dug. We have a couple of them out there but they are only 200 ft. and have alot of iron in the. Plus I think only one still has a pump. Anyway our new well is 400ft. We also needed to put about 4 inches of dirt down, level it and compact it for the house site. Then it was ready for the House. Dh's relatives have been down there taking pic's of the progress for us. NOW have to figure out how to get them out of my email to my computer and I will share them with you. It seems all the changes after 20+ years caused much excitement down there. Everyone is coming down to our property to check out what we are doing. We got a great modular home, its simply gorgeous and has the added benefit of being on one level so it will be easy for Dh to navigate the entire home as opposed to just the upstairs that he can now. We are supposed to be getting a ramp for a wheelchair just in case. The house was put on the property last week. Again everyone went down and peeked in my windows. They all approved of our choice.

We are aware that our lives will be very different from what we are used to but that may not be a bad thing. We will definitely be growing as much of our food as we can. We do have two huge fields for just that purpose. I'm not sure all what we will grow but I will be sharing as we go.We will have chickens for eggs, a cow for milk, butter and cream, various animals for meat. I will be canning and although I have done that it was only that one time so there will still be lots to learn. We will take someone else's hard work from generations past and bring it up to speed to the modern world. One thing I am truly excited about is the possibility of living off the grid. Wouldn't that be awesome? Well we can daydream or we can get ready and that involves more packing and less computer time.

We have rented out both our houses here and it looks as if one may purchase in a year. We will see what happens. In the meantime dh has gotten diabetic shoes. He calls them old man shoes but looks fairly normal in them. Much better then when he is wearing those ugly hospital shoes. They are pretty dirty and there is no good way to clean them. Dh also got a walker. It is sleek and nice. There is a basket and a seat for you to take a break and really big wheels. He hasn't used it yet and I don't anticipate him doing so. I think it is a pride thing and he needs to be the one to use it.He has worn the diabetic shoes and was not so impressed. I think he needs to break them in.

It came off

In a attempt to see if moving to a warmer climate will help dh's health issues we went to South Carolina for three weeks. One week driving there and back and two weeks actually there. Last year early in our diagnosis and health issues and before any amputations we went to South Carolina. One of his fingers had an ulcer although it wasn't as far gone as the ones we have now. But that finger was all healed when we returned. We wanted to know if it was a fluke.

We arrived and spent some time with distant cousin's of dh. Said cousin has a friend that is a pastor. Said pastor came over and prayed over dh. The very next day dh and I have a conversation something like this.

DH: The skin on my toe came off.
Me: HUH? What do you mean?
Dh: It came off
Me: Huh? what do you mean it came off
Dh: (rolling his eyes by this time, although he is used to my craziness) It. Came. Off. The skin came off and it was pink underneath
Me: Show me
Dh takes off his wrapping and shows me his toe. It was nice and pink. Then he shows me the skin. It was like a scab and it had shades of green and black. Not pretty and I saved it. I figure I frame it and write something like "miracles really do happen" on the frame or something. I looked at dh and said
Me: You better be thanking God right now.

I most certainly did. I said a small prayer and am still astounded. We were going to amputate half a leg and now we have hope that it may not be necessary after all.

Dh: You know what this means right?
Me: Yup, sigh, I know

Dh wants to move to the sticks. I mean the STICKS. Dh's family has some 50 acres in a one horse town. Ok mabey two horses. We looked at modular homes as the home on the property burned down a few years ago. My Oh my how have these homes improved from what I remember of them. We picked this four bed/two bath 2300 sq ft. home. The kitchen is huge with a gorgeous island in the middle. There is a computer room which will house our homeschool. There is a family room and a living room with a wood burning fireplace. Wood burning? Modular homes have come sooo far. It also has a decent sized laundry and a sliding back door. Eventually perhaps we will build our dream home somewhere on the property. At any rate due to the frugal cost I am sure our plans of living debt free will be much more attainable in a much faster rate. I will miss my family very much but am hoping to come back to visit once a year.

We came back and Austin had a orthodontist appointment. He got new bands and chose red and blue. He said now I have red, white and blue for the holiday. He is so goofy. Dh went to get a check up with the doc and doc was amazed at the improvement. All the nurses and his assistant asked dh why he came back. We have a house to sell people. And it is so very not ready. So much to do. I will be checking up on all my blogs to see what everyone has been up to. I missed you guys.

Next.....

The decision has been made for DH not to get the vein bypass surgery and instead we are going ahead and having his toe amputated. See this is exactly what I was afraid of. I truly felt like I overreacted when I broke down after DH had his finger amputated. I am sure some thought gesh it's only a finger. But it's a finger and my initial thought was to where this would stop. So it has happened and now we are on to a toe. Again it's only a toe. And again it's a toe!

I wonder just how much DH is taking in. He has such a wonderful attitude about it. He makes jokes and such but then those make me wonder. I wonder if he is masking his true feelings and how that may affect him in the future. He is seeing a shrink, after the amputation they made an appointment for him. I so desperately wish I could find something to make him better or lessen his pain.

A few friends have offered to watch the kids or bring us a meal. they are also praying for us. It truly warms my heart at their warm thoughts and kind deeds. Easter is also this weekend and I wanted to make a traditional meal but now I am unsure I will be up for it. I suppose I will have to do it cause of the kids, I hate to disappoint them.

I am having a terribly emotional week.

Vanessa

Disability and Second opinions

Dh went to our private Doctor, through insurance, and updated him about what all was happening. We try to keep this doctor in the loop because he has been so good to us. When we had problems with our insurance paying for a medication he gave us enough samples to last a week and we were able to see if it worked. Anyway the doctors are still surprised dh is still working and this doctor is no different. He thinks that the toe will need to be amputated and that dh needs to get going on Social Security.

This is the cross roads isn't it? This will change our lives for sure. Well ok the disease has changed our lives in minute ways across the board but dh being disabled for the rest of his life when he is just now 33 that is life altering right. Not to mention that I would have to go out there and make up whatever we loose in income due to this change. How will I continue to homeschool the boys if I am working outside of the home. I enjoy being with my kids. Yes they can be trying at times, alot of times, but all in all I recognize I only have a little time with them so I am trying to enjoy it while I can. Now I realize that dh has already re submitted his case to the V.A. to see if he can get his disability upped but we have no idea when they will come back with an answer and what type of answer they will give.

I think the worst part about all of this is the being in limbo, kwim? It's the not being able to plan your life because you aren't sure how long things will be the way they are. I suppose this is the part where I give some great notion that I have finally learned to live in the moment. But I am a mom to three boys that are homeschooled. If I don't plan some part of my life homeschool and the house would be in chaos. There needs to be a certain amount of planning you need to do even if it is based on the ideas that you think will happen. Not to mention what will dh do if he is home for the rest of his life? Will it make him worse? Have you ever heard of people being in good health till they retired and then they started getting sick after they retired. This is what I worry about. Dh is not in the best of health to begin with what happens if being able to go to work and have that distraction and need of you is what is keeping him from getting that much worse?

Then there are all the little ways in which I know he is holding on to the notion that he needs to put on that brave face. I see him all day during weekends shudder throughout the day. I know it is a jolt of pain going through him. The cold weather has become a real issue as well and he truly does avoid it at all costs. Including not going to the door of a friends house when picking up one of our boys. It was too cold out so he sent one of the other boys. I explained it to my friend and I hope she understands that dh was not trying to be unsocial or rude. I can see him concentrate from moment to moment and I can tell he is trying to deal with his chronic pain.

Dh has made an appointment with another surgeon to get a second opinion on whether he needs the bypass surgery on his legs to improve the circulation in his right leg. I hope that I can go with him to the appointment.

As the world turns

I feel like I have stepped into some sort of soap opera. I don't like drama one bit. I have a friend who has alot of drama and well I just cringe at seeing her number on my phone knowing full well I will be on it for an hour listening to the latest and greatest. I would be so happy with a boring life where nothing ever happens. Alas that is not what was intended for me and I have seen some things about myself that I do not like and others that I didn't realize I had and did like.

Hubs is doing better. After getting the amputation he has been sleeping better and in quite a bit less pain. Although I still think it is gross that he brought the finger home. I was so grateful that he was finally getting some rest that when he started getting less sleep I noticed. Now his toe is acting up. It looks as if half of the tip is gone on one side and looks all yellow and white like it has been soaking in water. The doctors want to do an bypass operation on his legs where they harvest veins from one to put into the other to improve circulation. This was told to us with the toe in mind. The doctor feels if it were to become necessary to amputate the toe that dh would not have enough circulation to let it heel and therefore they may need to take the entire foot. So that means they are doing the surgery in hopes of saving his foot but not necessarily his toe. I hope that made sense because the first time dh told me all this I had to have him explain it 3 different times. I wish I had gone to the appointment.

Dh doesn't want to have the surgery which adds even more drama. I mean why not they are talking about saving his foot. He hates the idea of the "cutting on him". His words. I get that it is scary but if someone told me that it could possibly save my foot I would do it. He is also concerned because he would have to stay at the hospital for a week and at home for about 3 weeks. He only has at most 3 weeks leave. I should say paid leave. He could take the whole month but for one week he would not be paid. I figured it out to be at about $1000 short on our pay. We have that in savings and well that is what savings is for right? Even if I had to charge our credit cards to make it up I would still be willing to do it in the hopes that he wouldn't have to loose his whole foot. kwim? The surgery was supposed to be done in January. Yup this month but dh has procrastinated the whole thing. The longer we put it off the more I look at my calendar and I count if he has the surgery this day he would be on a sort of bed rest till this day. And here is the part that comes out of me where I feel totally selfish about it. Our anniversary is in March and if he continues putting the surgery off I bet you anything that he would be on " bed rest" during our anniversary. It'll be 15 yrs this year so I really wanted to celebrate a bit. As it dawns closer I need only to wait and see what will happen . The bottom line is that I just want him around even if he is going to be missing a few body parts.

He has also started seeing a psychologist. The V.A. signed him up due to the amputation. The doc thinks hubs is depressed so he now also takes some antidepressant among the other wonderful meds he is taking. I swear my bathroom is being overtaken by meds and herbal remedies galore. They are everywhere and I had to get him baskets because it was driving me nuts having to make a gazillion trips to clear the counter so I could clean it. I suppose it is sort of humorous.

Dh has also come up with all sorts of elaborate stories to tell our grandchildren about his finger. He has had me rolling several times about the stories he comes up with. One would be he got into a fight with a shark and the shark bit it off. Another was he was picking his nose as a child and it got stuck up there so they had to cut it off. That one would be told as we see a grandchild picking their nose. I wonder if that would scare the crap out of them and make them cry. We may need to rethink that one. Another involved pointing the finger at someone else as doing said crime. This came about at our frustration that no one ever does anything in our house. When someone drinks the last bit of tea "no one did it". I suppose it's all in good fun but part of me watches dh to make sure he is okay.

A week ago or so dh came home with flu like symptoms. He went straight to bed and stayed there till the next day. Then he was fine. We talked about it and he thought it was due to the fact that he wasn't getting enough sleep....again. He did this a few months ago where he got really sick feeling for a day and layed down and slept for about a day and was fine after. So if I see him sleep I leave him alone. Even for church I feel horrid waking him because he simply isn't getting the amount of sleep he needs.
That's about it for our craziness. I hope your New Year is doing good.

Vanessa